Broken Compass

I wonder what I'd be doing if this year hadn't been what it is. Or even going further back, if my original plans had worked out in 2017. There's plenty of things I would change about this year if I could, things that would've shaped it in a completely different way. Currently, I feel as it time just flies by and life is falling off my hands like water. I've pushed myself forward even when I didn't feel I could, and probably helped in saving a life most precious to me, never asking for a reward whatsoever, just keeping that name on my mind 24/7. I know I lost a bit of myself during that process, but it's a small price to pay when I decide to carry my world on my shoulders. And yet, it's hard looking at that double-check mark under that name stay gray for days, with seemingly no intention of turning blue. But that is just me, focusing what really bothers me into just a small symbol in a dimly lit screen. Of course there's more to it than that, but I...

I'll soon turn 24. This year has shaken me to the core, beaten me up like none before, and it has also taught me I haven't been honest to myself. It has felt like a nightmare I haven't been able to wake up from, but I've also felt the deepest love, strong as I didn't think I'd ever feel. I learned that during a crisis, the worst thing you can do is lie to yourself and not pay attention to what you truly feel. And yet, sometimes the crisis is what you need to realize you've been lying to yourself and change that, though you will always worry about being too late. I worry about it every single day, with just one name in my head. I can't punch my way through a storm, yet I fight on. I collapse, emotionally broken, and yet  I keep on feeling. Once my mind is made up, I feel only death can stop me. After all, the love I feel and place in one name, matters more than anything else.